The Games We Play Often End in Divorce - The Post-Divorce ...

Feb. 15, 2012

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Have you ever played that game where in your marriage you are or were so angry you screamed in frustration that you wanted a divorce? And, whether or not you meant it, it was now out there, floating around. The little germ had been spit out into the air like the flu bug and all you could now hope for was that in your moment of anger, if you didn?t mean it, your spouse wouldn?t catch open his mouth and swallow it and catch the disease.

Or, how about ?The Silent Game?? And, I?m not talking about the one you play with your kids to get them to shut them up for 5 minutes of peace and quiet, but the one you play with your spouse when you are so pissed off you don?t want to look at their face, hear their voice, speak to them or be in the same space as them for one more second so you pretend as if they do not exist?

Another fun one is the ?Who Can Scream The Loudest? game. That is when you get in each other?s faces and can actually feel the hot breath and spit come flying out with the words because you are so close to each other during the shouting. When you are done, your voice is hoarse and your ears are ringing and no one feels better.

Why Do We Play Games?

If you think about it, we are taught to play games when we are young, from Duck, Duck, Goose to Ring Around the Rosy and Red Rover Red Rover, we watch games on TV from game shows to sports, and let?s not get into the mating and dating games that are played. Games are played all around us, but why do we play them when something so precious such as a relationship is involved? Are we testing the other person to see how loyal they are, or to see how committed they, or do we want to see how in love they are? And are these games a fair test?

A Pro at Wii Tennis

Look, I?m no psychotherapist, and I don?t even play one on TV, but I do know how to play a game or two and even have the pro status to my Mii character on Wii tennis, so I feel qualified to speak about this. In my first marriage, I excelled at the ?I want a divorce? game. I believe it was said about 20 times a week on average. And, although I don?t think I meant it when I was saying it, the truth was, I meant it and didn?t even know it.

We fought every single day ? screamed, shouted, threw things ? it was a mess. Then we would have this crazy passionate sex. It was a mess. It was a game. It was a disaster waiting to happen. It was a divorce waiting to happen. It was a divorce that did happen. Instead of looking at the issues we hid behind the shouting the screaming and the flying objects and the hot sweaty sex (yes, I said that twice) and played the game of our life, in the process ruining our young lives while not even knowing the damage were doing to each other.

As a side bar, I am shaking my head in disbelief at my own stupidity of all of the above at the moment!

A Moment of Silence

Marriage number two was about the art of silence. He played the quiet game while I played the, I know you can see me, so quit ignoring me now game. Talk about a disaster. He was the master, and I mean the master class master at this game. He could earn billions of dollars teaching this game, that?s how good he is at it. He could open up little storefronts and offer up classes and rake it in, that?s how good he is at it. In fact, I think I need to shoot him an email about this as a new business idea.

Back to the damage of the game though, and this game did some damage. You see, silence is worse than screaming because silence is so belittling that you start to feel like you are less than nothing and eventually you make yourself as small as possible in your relationship, really wanting to disappear. You start to tread as lightly as you can and make as little noise as you can and you try to not upset the proverbial apple cart so you won?t be put back in the cone of silence once again, where it is so lonely you want to die.

Divorce Is Not The End Game

When two people walk down the aisle, they don?t make a mental list of all the games they are going to play in their head with the end game being divorce, because divorce is not the end game for anyone who enters marriage. But, when we play games, divorce is often the end of the games that we play.

What is the solution? Don?t play the games. Sounds easy, doesn?t it? It?s not though, and we all know it, because if it were, then we would all still be married or happy in our marriages and marriage wouldn?t be hard work even when it is good, but it can be done. The first step is to not engage. Don?t engage in a shouting match, bite your tongue when you want to scream out how much you hate your spouse or you want a divorce and when you want to keep silent and not talk about the issues, force yourself to sit down and talk about it.

Marriage takes work, and from those of us who are divorced, it?s easier to stay married than to be where we are today, so do what you can to stay where you are, and yes, this piece of advice is coming from a divorce coach. Keep the games on the playing field or in the bedroom if you prefer, but out of your relationships.

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Source: http://www.postdivorcechronicles.com/2012/02/the-games-we-play-often-end-in-divorce/

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